<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Way I Loved You by InFamousHero</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27268534">The Way I Loved You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/InFamousHero/pseuds/InFamousHero'>InFamousHero</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Woman Out of Time [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fallout 4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bittersweet, F/F, Mutual Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:34:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27268534</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/InFamousHero/pseuds/InFamousHero</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The last time she and Piper spoke their relationship shattered into a thousand pieces and Karen had spent the last few years diligently staying out of Piper’s life. She owed Piper that, she told herself, for the lies she never meant to tell.</p><p>The lies she couldn’t have possibly known she was telling.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Sole Survivor/Piper Wright</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Woman Out of Time [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1221485</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Way I Loved You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The Institute won six years ago and Karen has spent that time dragging them towards being a force for benevolent change. Olivia is a character from the previous story in this series, The Shadows of Lake Placid.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the spring equinox and for Boston that still meant frosted mornings and temperatures in the 45-30F range, but the horrible deep freeze of winter was finally breaking, more than enough reason for a festival.</p><p>The people of Diamond City decorated with carvings, wreathes, and dozens of torches, the firelight bringing pockets of warmth to the central market as throngs of people navigated back and forth, enjoying hot drinks, soup, and sweet treats. Torches lined a path to the Wall where music played on the air, where people danced and forgot their troubles for a night.</p><p>The music tugged at false memories, a life that wasn’t hers, nights spent in Irish pubs around Boston, knowledge of constructing and playing such instruments passed down through survivors before the war. It had the hallmarks of Irish folksong, but time and the post-apocalypse changed it into a mix of old and new, but no less rousing.</p><p>It was that atmosphere of good cheer Karen held herself back from ruining with her very presence, a voice at the back of her head telling her this was a bad idea and she should go home while she had yet to be noticed at the top of Diamond City’s entrance. But it wasn’t Mayor McDonough who invited her, it was the new <em>human</em> Mayor, Dana Gideon, who thought extending an invitation would support the idea the Institute had turned a new leaf under her leadership.</p><p> “You alright, hoss?” Olivia asked, coming to a stop next to her.</p><p>“Yeah,” Karen lied, scanning the festival crowd below for what she wasn’t sure. Threats, maybe, but if she was honest she knew exactly what she was looking for. She just didn’t want to admit it.</p><p>It was exactly why she didn’t like coming here.</p><p>Karen sighed and stuffed her hands in her coat, walking down the ramp. Olivia fell into step with her, observing the crowd with expected diligence. Heads turned at the sight of them, dressed in the distinctive red and white Strigidae suits that marked them instantly as Director Karen Stroud and Captain Olivia Walker. The colours and technology of the Institute made them stick out like sore thumbs, and Karen almost regretted removing the hood and faceplate for the ease at which someone could crack a bottle over her head.</p><p>However, the unease slowly faded as she reached the centre of the market without being jumped, and eyes began to slide off her as if she were just another person at the festival.</p><p>It seemed the last few years of rebuilding, and clearing out threats was paying off.</p><p>The smells of the festive market swirled around her, fresh cooked meat, cloying sweetness, a variety of teas brewed in large, metal pots, guttering steam into the air, and she turned until she saw one stand in particular. A pair of men, one old, one young, sharing all but a few physical characteristics, manned a row of pots filled with the traditional drink of cold-weather in Boston, hot razorgrain whiskey, boiled with slices of salt lemon and sweetened with fruit syrup.</p><p>She approached with a polite smile, handing over fifteen caps for a tall wooden flagon of the stuff. It steamed fervently and she took an exploratory sip, enjoying the searing mix of sweet and sour, and the burn of alcohol as it went down.</p><p>Smiling to herself, Karen stepped away to observe the festival again. “You should get some,” she said.</p><p>“Maybe later—what are we fixin’ to do here, exactly?”</p><p>“Well, we’re special guests. I guess that means we should mingle.”</p><p>Olivia gave her a look, eyes barely visibly through the faceplate. “You know I hate to pry, Karen, but I hope you don’t mean to avoid her again. It’s unhealthy for the both of you.”</p><p>The words felt like a gut punch and Karen barely blinked, sipping her beverage, placidly watching passers-by. The last time she and Piper spoke their relationship shattered into a thousand pieces and Karen had spent the last few years diligently staying out of Piper’s life. She owed Piper that, she told herself, for the lies she never meant to tell. The lies she couldn’t have possibly <em>known</em> she was telling.</p><p>Shaking her head, Olivia crossed her arms. “She’ll likely be at the Wall.”</p><p>“That an educated guess or did you <em>check</em> before we arrived?”</p><p>“Whichever one you’re more comfortable with.”</p><p>Karen sighed through her nose, took a large swig of her drink, and shoved the flagon at Olivia who took it with a dry smile.</p><p>She picked her way through the market, passing happy families, raucous friend groups, and sweet couples, trying not to linger on the last because it was foolish to do so. She couldn’t afford to be childish or selfish.</p><p>The Wall was lit up with torches and fairy lights, the Diamond City stage host to a local band playing a dance number. The pace was quick and jovial, accompanied by the rhythmic clapping of those watching from the side-lines while others danced in front of the stage. More still stood drinking, eating, and talking amongst themselves, enjoying the atmosphere.</p><p>A few familiar faces stood out to her, the Bovrov’s selling drinks out of a cart, Travis dancing with Scarlett, and Mayor Gideon standing just off-stage, her severe features juxtaposing a genuinely sweet demeanour. She seemed to be keeping watch, casually chatting to a guardsman, and didn’t seem at all perturbed when their eyes met across the way. She just nodded, and Karen nodded back.</p><p>“Didn’t think you’d actually take Gideon up on the offer, <em>Director</em>.”</p><p>Karen froze up at the voice and its bemused tone, her thoughts skittering in a hundred directions like a bag of dropped spiders, but she quickly shook it off and turned to her right.</p><p>Only six feet away stood Piper, none <em>too</em> changed by the passage of four years but small details stood out nonetheless. New patches in her coat, a small nick on her chin, a new scarf, changes that felt like black marks on a whiteboard, measuring out the things she’d missed, adventures she refused to be a part of, and it made her want the ground to split beneath her, sparing her the terrible ache in her chest.</p><p>Before she could lose her voice, Karen forced out a polite, “I didn’t want to be rude.”</p><p>Piper cocked her head. “Yeah,” she sighed, “I guess you wouldn’t be here otherwise.”</p><p>Painfully, Karen pushed down the swell of guilt in her throat and forced her eyes away from Piper’s, fixing on the crowd instead. “I meant to visit at some point,” she lied, to both of them, “things got away from me.”</p><p>Piper, quietly and without hostility, murmured, “No, you didn’t.”</p><p>Karen clasped her hands behind her back, spine ram-rod straight in an effort to maintain some modicum of control over her side of this exchange. The words wouldn’t come, and when her silence dragged on for five agonising seconds Piper moved within reach and faced the crowd too, crossing her arms.</p><p>They watched the dancers until the song finished, the energetic tune mellowing out into a slower, sweeter melody.</p><p>Piper broke the silence without taking her eyes off the crowd, “if Dana hadn’t asked…” she trailed off, unwilling to finish or realising she didn’t want the answer—or both.</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“So, you would’ve just… that was it, just stay away forever?”</p><p>Her eyes stung and Karen swallowed hard, strangling her voice into something firm and even, the forced placidity of a soldier under fire. “Everything about me was a lie from the very beginning,” she said, “you deserved better.”</p><p>Piper slowly shook her head. “You ran away.”</p><p>“You were horrified.”</p><p>“Yeah, I was, and I’ve regretted it ever since.”</p><p>Karen finally looked at her again to find Piper staring at her feet, worrying a piece of her sleeve between her fingers. “I <em>was</em> horrified,” she said quietly, “It felt like it was finally my turn, you know? All this time being afraid I’d get snatched, or someone I <em>knew</em> would get snatched, and then they wouldn’t be them anymore. I just couldn’t take it, not then, not when everything else was so… messy.”</p><p>Sighing, Karen murmured, “I’m sorry. If I had spared you before then you would’ve only had to know me as one kind of monster.”</p><p>Piper looked at her, eyes reproachful. “I never thought about you like that,” she said quickly.</p><p>A sad and sour smile curved Karen’s lips, letting the words hang until Piper looked away, shoulders drawing up. “I was shocked,” she muttered plaintively.</p><p>Karen took a deep breath and returned her eyes to the crowd. “And you had every right to be,” she said, blinking a sting from her eyes, “you deserved better.”</p><p>“Than you?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Piper shook her head, sighing. “My god, Blue,” she muttered, and hearing that nickname felt like a harpoon through the chest, “I didn’t know what to think. I needed time and space, but I didn’t want you to just up and <em>leave</em>. I don’t hate you, I never did. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m sorry.” She paused, and added softly, “I’ve really missed you.”</p><p>Something raw and vulnerable tried to escape out her throat and Karen clenched her teeth, caging it until she could swallow the reckless and selfish impulse back into oblivion. Part of her sang at those words, wanted to run and dance and leap, utterly overjoyed. She strangled that too, shoved it back into its lockbox because there were so very many reasons to not give in.</p><p>She nearly flinched upon feeling Piper’s hand on her arm, stiffening until she was sure the slightest pressure would shatter her. Blinking, Karen forced herself to look, meeting Piper’s searching gaze, and the plea in those eyes wrenched at her insides.</p><p><em>Don’t be selfish,</em> she reminded herself, because there were more important things than her feelings. “We can’t,” she whispered.</p><p>Piper’s brow furrowed. “Why? We can work this out. I <em>want</em> to work this out with you. I—I mean unless… you <em>weren’t</em> happy with me?”</p><p>She tried to pull away, suddenly conscious of their contact. Karen caught her wrist with a quickness that made her freeze. “I was happy,” Karen said firmly, fiercely even, because it was true. And how she wished it wasn’t. “But I can’t give you a happy life. Not as Director, and not when I’m going to outlive you.”</p><p>“What…?”</p><p>“When they made me, the need for soldiers was considered evergreen. I can’t age.”</p><p>There were many things missing from the notes of Project Vanguard, corrupted data, lost files, so when Dr Volkert realised there was something strange about her blood it came as a surprise. More than a surprise, it felt like the floor was ready to fall out from under her.</p><p>He at least had the sense to keep it to himself, for now, until such a time that she could safely explain her existence to the rest of the directorate.</p><p>A tiny, trembling exhale escaped Piper, and her shoulders went slack. She bowed her head until it touched Karen’s shoulder, fingers tightening on her arm, and in a small, frustrated voice muttered, “<em>fuck</em>.”</p><p>Something fractured inside her and Karen looped the arm Piper clung to around her shoulders. She quickly closed what little space remained between them, arms going tight around Karen’s waist, head ducking neatly under her chin—Karen swallowed hard against words of comfort, against words meant to soothe, and fix, and break this boundary she was determined to set.</p><p>The mellow song died away, picking up the pace once more into something overbearingly joyful.</p><p>Piper released a long exhale before looking up at her, eyes wet and dull. “You’re sure?” she asked quietly.</p><p><em>No</em>, Karen’s heart screamed. “Yes,” she said gently, even as that single word felt like pulling a fishhook from her throat.</p><p>Nodding slowly, Piper pulled away and stepped back, opening up a cold and empty space between them. She clutched her arm, her brows pinched, and asked, “can you do me a favour, at least?”</p><p>Karen nodded and Piper smiled sadly. “Please, don’t just disappear again,” she said, “I want to know you’re okay. Once in a while.”</p><p>“I can do that.”</p><p>“You’d better.”</p><p>Looking away, Piper cleared her throat and half-turned to leave. “I should get back to it,” she said distantly, “someone has to write about the good times while they last.”</p><p>Karen watched her leave until she vanished into the crowds, and turned on her heel, eager to be anywhere but the warm and happy atmosphere of a Diamond City festival.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment :D</p><p><a href="https://thronebreaker-dorne.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> | <a href="https://twitter.com/Khanlusa">Twitter</a> | <a href="https://www.twitch.tv/khanlusa">Twitch</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>